heyymandi

 Lately I feel like I don't know what to believe anymore... I don't know the people around me as much as I thought I did. It's honestly one of the worst feelings I've experienced. Not the absolute worse, I mean I've suffered worse, but I really don't like it. Life is really complicated currently, and people are constantly lying and hating eachother secretively. There are things that I strongly believed I was right about, I was so sure. But now I'm realizing that maybe I was wrong afterall, and that it was me just hoping my hardest that I had finally found what I've wanted my whole life growing up.

I still haven't gotten the thing I want most. People and situations and other things are constantly interfereing. It's taking a whole lot of self control.

TBC

You know something is really upsetting me when I'm quiet and sulking one minute, and then all of a sudden I get into a really good mood. I'll get really hyper, and happy-go-lucky like. I'll act like there's nothing at all wrong in the world, and appear like I'm a really happy person. I realise that this is my way of trying to not let what's really underneath show. But at the same time, it's when I need someone the most. But that isn't possible right now. I'll put on my mask, and save it all for later.

 There is two parts of me right now. One, is selfish and can cause a lot of destruction. The other, the more logical half, the selfless half. These two parts are raging a war inside of me, an internal battle. There has never been anything I have ever wanted more in my entire life. I've never been so sure of anything ever. An opportunity has presented itself before me. Part of me screams to take this, take the chance. The other part is telling me every single outcome, good, bad, everything. If only I had the power to know which outcome of this situation is the future, all conflict of my mind, my body and my heart would end.

I had the most amazing dream last night.




Things were right again. 

"Some how you have managed to get under my skin, more than anyone ever did. And if every whole makes a scar and every scar marks its place then I will never live freely without your trace." 

 

It's funny how people have the ability to not only deny things to other people, but also to themselves. I realised something today. I realised that I am probably the biggest fake or liar possible. There are things that DO bother me, there are things that I HATE to see. There are things that I wish I could change. Wishing doesn't do a damn thing though. Just because you are wishing, doesn't make it happen. You can hope all your life for something, but then all the time you spend wishing and hoping gets you nowhere when you could have actually done something about it. I wish I would have realised this a lot sooner. It would have probably saved us all from everything thats going on now. Here I am saying that I understand the concept of having to work for what you want when in reality, with the thing I want most, I'm doing exactly the opposite. I can only describe this feeling as this: It's like having a flashback of having what you wanted right in your grasp, and then watching it slip away.

"She was right; you have to endure pain for the things you want, emotionally and physically. But out of what you lose, you gain something far better in return, he was about to learn that."

This is similar to a line I came up with back in October. The line was "It's the struggle that makes it worth it in the end." This theory keeps proving it's self to be true time after time after time.

It's amazing to be around people long enough for once to actually establish a solid group of friends and watch everybody grow and change. I'm learning so much this summer, about everything and anything. I'm really growing as a person.

I never would have guessed that I would have taken to writing. It's always been a thing I didn't like to do in school, but for once I'm writing about things I observe, things I think about, and it's one of the most amazing things. Sometimes I have the deepest and most interesting thoughts, and until lately they always are gone in a second. Now, I will write it down, or get on the computer. I'm not sure what genre of writing these thoughts fall under, but I figure I better jot them down anyways. I don't know if any of this will get me anywhere, but it's an absolutely amazing feeling--setting your mind free.

there are some things you can't change about a person; no matter how badly you may want to. you can curve their direction and buy yourself time, but you cannot change their destination. if there is truly something a person wishes to do, nothing can change that. it is in human nature to be bound determined to get what they want, to improve themselves, their environment, and their quality of life to better see fit to their personal self image. there is no such thing as one single person controlling another's actions and their outcome. a person has a say in whether or not they wish to act. however they have no control over the opinions of the outcome in the category of other persons. if a person truely disires something, they will do everything in their power to acheive their goal.